October is coming to a close. And as you can see (or have noticed nothing to see), I’ve been neglecting the blog and my Facebook like page. Even my personal page has just been pictures of Joe, with no real content or hustle. My business plan would have consisted of blog and Facebook posts about my Beachbody workouts, various sales going on online, Japanese Tidying Up, and maybe a craft idea or two or an organizing tip. But I just haven’t had it in me lately.
October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. Did you know that? I know every month has several titles these days. But I guess you just tend to notice the ones that really get to you.
You know I lost Lenny in July and I wrote about it a while back. And I guess the reality is that I’m not over it yet. I’m still really mad. I’m mad that while everyone was at an Independence Day BBQ celebrating, I was in the ER. And while people at work were making snarky comments about me not being at work, I was passing and grieving my dead baby. And every week someone has to ask me if Joe is ever going to get a little brother/sister. I can’t execute my Japanese Tidying Up because one of the first tasks I have to do is to pick up the pile of new maternity shirts I’m not going to get to wear up off the floor of my closet.
I miss you Lenny. I miss feeling you my belly. I wish that I was big and fat with YOU growing and stretching out my belly, not because I just had another beer and handful of french fries to cover up my grief.
My sweet Lenny. I don’t have any sweet pictures of holding you in the hospital. Or of you snuggling your grandparents. My memory of you coming and going consists of just me, home alone. My body passed you out like an infection. And I watched you disappear into the drain like a dead goldfish. No hellos or goodbyes. Just my heart ripped out and flushed away like your teeny tiny body. And instead of the sweet cries of a newborn, I had the horrifying silence of being alone.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage my doctor said. But it doesn’t make me feel better. This is the only picture I’ll ever have of you and that makes me sad. I love you Lenny and I always will.